Heaven is a Place on Earth

This past Saturday I was attending a bachelor party for Rocket Harrington-Campo at Mohegan Sun Casino. As we arrived at Mohegan several of us decided to head to the Dubliner, an Irish bar located inside the casino. As I walked in, I heard a familiar, yet somehow strange sound. Could I really have been hearing what I thought, or was my mind playing tricks on me? I quickly looked at the shocked faces of Steve Campo and Mike Lynch. Their surprise and joy only confirmed what I had already known…. I was hearing the sweet sound’s of Rick Springfield’s Jessie’s Girl being played over a techno beat. I briefly fainted before triumphantly raising both hands above my head in celebration. Immediately I knew that karma was on my side, which makes sense considering the abundance of good deeds I have performed over the past year. We quickly ordered some ice cold Bud Lights and found a table. Nick Libera quickly rose and made his way to the DJ Booth. If this was a cartoon, there is no doubt a light bulb would have appeared right above his head. Before Nick could even make it back to the table, the DJ did everyone in the bar a favor and played Nick’s request, Your Love by the Outfield. At this point, it is no exaggeration to say that it took everything I had not to have a stroke right then and there. I reminded myself to take deep breaths and try to relax, but it was almost impossible. Within the first 10 minutes of our arrival the DJ had played the two greatest songs known to man, as if he knew we were coming. If he had played Meat Loaf’s Paradise by the dashboard lights, there is little doubt we would have been carrying Steve Campo’s body out on a stretcher, and his corpse would have been smiling ear to ear. Seriously though, try frowning while watching this video, its impossible.

In most circumstances, we would have been content to stay at the Dubliner all night, for it truly is a wonderful place. However, this was not your typical night, and there was some talk about going to the club located right down the hall. Because this club required shoes, and I had decided to wear sneakers which could have been an absolute catastrophe. Fortunately for me, the always reliable Matt O’Neill decided that he was going to pass on the club and make a ton of money at the tables. We quickly exchanged footwear and parted ways. Our crew which started at a dozen or so, was now down to only a brave few. As we made our way towards the door the bouncer informed us that we needed to go back outside and wait in a separate line to get into the club. We informed him, "Naaahhhh." Both sides quickly realized that it was in both of our interests to come to a monetary settlement and be on our ways. We made our way inside and found our way to the bar. I don’t know how else to describe the scene then to say at that moment, there is nowhere else I would have rather been. Strobe lights, music, promiscuous women dancing on tables, and ice cold beers. It wasn’t long before we were in the middle of the dance floor throwing every move in our repertoire. I could not tell you one song that the DJ played for the duration of the night, but I can say that each song was my absolute favorite at that time. It was the most electric atmosphere I’ve had the privilege to experience in quite some time.

I can’t help but wonder if the Pilgrims and the Indians would have settled their differences in a more civilized manner if the Ultra 88 Night Club had been around back in the day. Let’s face it, would you rather have the time of your life, or be shot at with bow and arrows while your trying to grow your own food. In a somewhat related manner, if Jacoby Ellsbury is really Indian why doesn’t he have a sweet nickname like Thunder Bat, Lightning Feet, or Fields Wicked Good?

Finally, I’d like to congratulate Mike Lynch on winning Steve Considine’s March Madness pool. He made a great comeback to draw even with Mike Campo thanks to the Kansas Jayhawks. Only one problem, that red headed asshole put 85 for the tie breaker thinking it was just the winning team’s final score instead of the total. Way to be Mike Lynch, you may not have won four hundred dollars, but you’ve just won the third Whammy of the year, which is worthless priceless.

Whaaaaammy!

Ladies and gentleman, let me be the first to welcome you to the first of many Kifopedia Awards. While many elements of the Kifopedia Awards are unbeknownst even to me, I feel now is as good of a time as any to hand out the first couple awards. One thing I do know is that the desirable categories will be rewarded with "Kifos" and the less than desirable awards will be bestowed with "Whammys".

And here we go… Congratulations to the first recipient of a "Kifo" for best female performance in a comedic situation, Meg White. Meg is being honored for her fall outside of J.W. Hills on Saturday night, a fall so well timed that it seemed to be scripted. The joy I felt upon seeing this hilarious moment was soon matched again as I realized I was not the only one to see such a glorious event. This event also happened to be witnessed by Mike Lynch who was kind enough to re-enact the fall several times over the next few minutes as I waited for a cab. While unfortunately I don’t have a photo of what my face looked like I assume the pure exhilaration led me to make a face similar to Chris Turk at the 33 second mark of this video. While I encourage you to pause the video at this time to best get an idea of the joy I felt at this magical moment, I’d also like to suggest you watch the video in its entirety. (Mastery of this dance would surely earn you your very own "Kifo" in the near future) Meg’s dedication and timing secure her spot in history as one of the greatest comedic minds of our generation, unless of course this turns out to have just been an accident, in which case….. "Whammy!"





Unfortunately while such moments can bring us such warmth and joy, there are situations in this world which are able to deliver equal sadness and pain. You probably already know I am talking about the Duke Blue Devils losing to the West Virginia Mountaineers this past Saturday. While any person with half a clue could see that the game was an absolute sham and realize that if they played out the NCAA tournament 100 times Duke would win 99 of them, I am smart enough to realize that there are always going to be those who are either not intelligent, or not open minded enough to see the facts that are right in front of there miserable little faces. So as much as it pains me, I have no choice but to give the Dukies their very own "Whammy" in hopes that the people I have described are mature enough to let sleeping dogs lie, because if they are not, there is a good chance they will be wearing this sleeping dog’s bud light on their head.

The "Kifo" for greatest new media outlet of 2008 goes to the Kifopedia. Don’t think that this is an act of self-promotion of any kind, but instead be aware that I spent several minutes scanning the Webernet for other blogs to see if any offered the social enlightenment offered by the Kifopedia. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised, but was still none the less disappointed by the material considered noteworthy on some of these sites. Although I will more likely than not lose sleep over the fact that I will never get these minutes back, it was not a complete waste of my time. On the contrary, I came across a site of note that will now be listed on the side of the Kifopedia. (How official does this thing look with a link? I’ll answer that… Wicked official.)

Again, the "Kifopedia Awards" is a process which is still being refined. In all honestly it is going to be completely arbitrary and I will hand out "Kifos" and "Whammys" whenever and however I see fit. That being said, I encourage you all to submit your own nominations for awards in the comment section so that I am able to explain to you why that person is unfit to receive such an honor. Congratulations to the winners so far, and remember… "Just cause your right doesn’t mean I’m wrong." -The Outfield

New job... Same Kifo

During my first week in the real world I couldn’t help but notice a few minor differences between the acceptable behavior from my last job at Jordan’s Furniture to my new one. It’s the little things that really stick out. While stealing your bosses’ sneakers, wrapping them in twenty layers of bubble wrap and then tying them to the ceiling may be acceptable at Jordan’s, I can’t help but wonder if it would truly be appreciated in corporate America… I guess we will have to find out the hard way.

I ask myself, "Kifo, if you and co-worker (A) were to tape co-worker (B) inside a cardboard box and then carry him outside and dump him upside down into a snowbank, how would it go over?"
At Jordan’s I already know the answer. It would be awesome; everyone would laugh at the clown who stumbles back into the warehouse after struggling to get out of the box for 15 minutes. At Hitachi its entirely possible that I would be the only one laughing. If my boss gives me some task to complete and I respond, "Fuck that noise" and continue watching tv, reading ESPN.com, or playing computer games, will I be in trouble or will my boss just shake his head and walk away defeated?

Another hypotheticial, Lets say that after a delicious ice cold Bud Light or two someone (Steve Campo) has the brilliant revelation that a trip down to Foxwoods at midnight is not only plausible, but downright necessary. I ran through some quick calculations which led me to believe I would be back in time to go to work the next day, so thus we embarked on our voyage. Unfortunately my calculations proved to be a bit inaccurate due to some unforeseen variables and we discovered that making it back by 11 was out of the question. Being the courteous employee that I am, I phoned my boss and informed him of the situation and suggested that he write down something other then "gambling in Connecticut" as a reason for my absence. Poison ivy seemed like the logical play here but he opted to just write called out sick, and left it open to interpretation. Something tells me, maybe just intuition, that this may not go over well at any other establishment. Only time will tell I suppose.

As far as Jordan’s Furniture goes, I’d be shocked if they are able to continue to do business without me. Let’s face the facts here people, Kif Considine carried that place on his back for his entire career. I have compiled a couple quotes from co-workers which really show what I meant to the organization.

"Kif Considine was Jordan’s Furniture. Was he a reliable employee? At times. Was he respectful? Certainly not. But he knew what it took to get the job done and he gave 110%. He was to the furniture industry what Michael Jordan was to basketball… no wait, baseball." -Mark Durand

"Everyday I wake up and wonder if perhaps today is the day that Kif returns to Jordan’s. No one set the bar higher than Kifo. Through excessive research, several Excel spreadsheets, and hours graphing on my TI-83, I have estimated that we will need to hire anywhere from twelve to fifteen people in order to match his production. I’ll probably name my kids after him." -Paul Laforge

"I wish he was my dad." -Jeff Kilgore

"He was a shining beacon, he was the best of each of us, the world is a better place with him in it. Kif inspired all of us to be the best that we can be each and every day. I was lucky to be able to work with him as long as I did. I am truly a much better person because of the example he set." -Timothy "T-Bone" Genest

"Who the fuck is Kifo." -Barry and Elliott

"I’m wicked old." -Gregg Manning

While the validity of these quotes may stir some debate I can assure you that they in fact mirror the sentiment of each of the individuals to which each quote was attributed.

Your official guide to 2008

Welcome one and all to ‘What About Blog," soon to be the internet’s leading news site. I have decided to kick things off by enlightening the audience with an in depth look into what is going to be big in 2008. Lets just hope that this whole internet fad lasts long enough for me to come back in 2009 and remind you all how right I was. But frankly, if snap bracelets and B.U.M Equipment didn’t make it I really don’t see this whole web thing sticking around either.
But without further adieu…here’s what to look for this year:

Jessie’s Girl– More than likely the greatest song ever written and while I realize that it is from the 80’s and has been popular for quite some time there is little doubt that it’s popularity will continue to spiral out of control and could quite possibly be the only song played on the radio by year’s end. (On a side note: this weekend a girl was making her way to the DJ booth at Martha’s to request a song and I politely suggested she request Jessie’s Girl. She informed me that she was unfamiliar with the song and instead requested some bullshit that everyone hated. Needless to say it took everything I had to maintain my calm demeanor and not throw an absolute shitfit. Point being: if you don’t know the song Jessie’s Girl than you are absolutely clueless.)

Noogie Records- (Not the record for most amount of noogies given, although that might be awesome too) The new record label started by Steve Clinton which is sure to sweep the nation by storm. Do not be surprised to hear major artists signing with this label within the next couple months. You heard it here first, Noogie Records will be an absolute juggernaut in the entertainment industry for years to come. Rumor has it Noogie Records T-shirts are on the horizon, so keep your eyes peeled.

Never In Vegas– Without a doubt the most entertaining band in the New England area and beyond. They truly understand what the people want and their set list is a reflection of that fact. And yes, they do play Jessie’s Girl as well as Your Love by The Outfield. If you know of something more fun than hearing Never In Vegas play killer songs while drinking Bud Lights then don’t show up at Whippersnapper’s this Friday, but I know where I’ll be.

Brockodiles– Enough said.

Duke Basketball– This shouldn’t have to explained but there are still people out there who just don’t get it, and while normally I wouldn’t even bother with people of clearly inferior intellect, I will point out the reasons why they will win the national title this year.
Fact: Duke is nice from behind the arc.
Fact number 2: Mike Kryzyzewski is to Duke basketball what Splinter was to the Ninja Turtles, a brilliant mind and a fearless leader.
While just a suggestion, I encourage everyone to go out and put as much money on Duke to go the distance as is physically possible, you’ll thank me later.*

* If Duke loses and this turns out to cost anyone a lot of money than I feel it is important to point out that Duke winning is only a 99% certainty and my mathematical formula to come up with these odds is both extremely questionable and biased.

Air Hawk Helicopters– Have you seen the commercials for these things?….Ridiculous. Can’t miss.

While this is by no means an all inclusive list, it is certainly a solid introduction. Bringing up any one of these topics in a social situation will no doubt lead others to believe that you are not only well informed but probably make you more desirable to the opposite sex. Later in the week I will discuss some more issues as well as people and trends that will fizzle out and fade away during the year never to be heard from again, beginning with Eli Manning (talk about a flash in the pan) who was reportedly photographed out on the town with Lance Bass celebrating his alleged Superbowl victory.